| Wednesday, December 9th, 2009 |
| 10:51 pm |
What is next?
When I was traveling and camping in my Explorer I was so at peace. For the first time I felt free. When I moved to Austin, I tried the roommate thing & hated it so I went back to my camping and I loved it… and my real (Austin) friends didn’t look down on me or treat me like a second class citizens. To them I was just another Burner. At the end of July I truly feel like my life came to a complete stop and I was (for a lack of better wording) reborn August 1st. Not in any Christian kind of way but… it really is the only way I know how to describe how I feel. Everything is new to me again. And it’s so difficult for me to try to explain this even to my closest friends. Thankfully my closest friends understand at least part of what I’m feeling and have really encouraged and supported me in the last couple of months where I have really needed to feel like someone did. Everything is new. I’m rediscovering everything all over again. My life is completely different. My eating habits and health maintenance is different, my work / professional wants is completely different, my dating wants / sexuality is completely different. I’ve let so much go already and I can’t help but wonder if this is the next step in letting go. I have always known I wasn’t Normal and yet I forcefully tried to be Normal my entire life. I’ve always done or tried to do things in my own way – and often times failed. I wasn’t truly being me and understanding how to be me in this world. I’ve always wanted and did things that the majority of women don’t or are too afraid to do. Not that there are women who don’t do the very things I want to do, already do and have done, but they are / we are the rare minority. But I’ve pushed it only to a certain point and then backed off because I was afraid or felt guilty. I don’t feel that kind of fear or guilt anymore…at least not the majority of the time. Again, it’s like I’m just discovering it for the first time – that’s the kind of fear it feels like – new. I’ve worked so hard to keep my apartment. I’ve made it my own. It’s my energy, my art, my feelings – it’s what I’ve done for the last eleven 1/2 months. But what if this is the next step in letting go? What if part of this rebirth thing means letting go of everything and literally starting over. I’m not a Burner, a hippy, an entrepreneur, a free spirit, an artist or a Bohemian and yet all of those titles have been things that people have named me – I’m those things but I’m not. Each one is part of me but do I belong to any of them? I don’t know what I am and I don’t think there is a thing or a slot title where I easily fit into it. There’s got to be more people like me right? I would hate to think I’m literally a complete original with no others like me… But I can’t deny that the stress of this apartment has been a big burden these last two months. I can’t deny myself that when I look at my map of my cross country travel trip – I wish I could do it again, but someplace new. What if the end of 2009 is the end for me here in this apartment? Society says that “people” live in tiny boxes and not in RVs, camp grounds, on beaches or in alternative style communities. Who are these “people?” They’re certainly not the ones that embraced me and accepted me for me. These “people” are the ones that made me feel ashamed and made me feel like I deserved to be raped. There I said it. I haven’t been able to admit that to anyone but my closest friend. That’s was the start to a lifelong self sabotaging life that could have and should have been spent healing, recovering and becoming the person I should have been. Instead I spent it hiding and denying. I don’t know where to go from here. The last few months have been positive steps for me and I don’t want to let in any negative diseased parts that could potentially lead me away from the path I’m on. But I also know that I want to be happy and feel free again. I want what I want and it’s possible. And I know that a lot of people will not and cannot accept my choices without contempt. I have to be strong enough to smile knowing that they don’t understand and probably never will. At times it’s going to hurt. It means that my circle of friends will never be very large. It means accepting that I’m not Normal. It means I’m going to be that which society refuses to acknowledge, accept and respect. But it means that inside, I’ll feel good and I’ll be free. I still have a very long healing path ahead of me. I have a choice to make about the apartment. Do I stay and fight because it’s the right thing to do? Or does fighting for this make no logical sense? Do I want to buy an RV Van and live happily ever after? (until the next adventure) Or do I choose to pay rent to someone else’s lease? The easy answer isn’t always the right answer…but am I ready for the hard one yet? Is the hard one the right one? I’ve only aged a couple of years – I think I’m at the Terrible Twos right now :P |
| 8:37 am |
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| Sunday, November 29th, 2009 |
| 1:28 am |
Candye Kane
She has an amazing voice and writes great songs! Candye is a super positive entertainer and it was great to see her in person. I love her voice ... but ... her stage dancing/ presence doesn't match her voice. Though she is funny when she is just talking between songs. Her guitarist Laura Chavez is an amazing blues player! If she was gay I would totally go to the girl side :P
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| Sunday, November 15th, 2009 |
| 10:44 pm |
Writer's Block: Famous last words
Nice fantasy to think we'll have the luxury of thinking up last words but the truth is most times the only thing we're thinking or doing when we're about to die is one of absolute surprise and or fear. I use to joke and say that my last words alive or after death would be "great ride, can I do it again?" |
| Monday, November 9th, 2009 |
| 8:06 am |
trying this here first
Posting this here before I post at AvonGrrl to see if I get any kind of giggle.
 "...its running, jumping, climbing trees... putting on make-up when you're up there!” - Eddie Izzard
Thanksgiving is in a few short weeks and instead of sweating to the oldies of cooking traditional Thanksgiving dinner I'm going camping! Mountain climbing, yoga, hiking, natural hot springs, DJ and live music in the middle of a desert with running hot water showers! All the comforts of camping that this reptile loves about camping - city girl camping that is. But... being the reptile I am it's time to gear up in warm but cute clothes. Something I've had to learn to how to do. I grew up fashion disabled. Have you ever known a mother with absolutely no fashion sense at all? Were you ones of those poor unfortunate souls like me who had to grow up with a mother who thought orange and puke green were just adorable? How about a Mumu on child? Yea... that was my step mother. I grew up with a mother who tried to force "girlish things" on me. Except instead of pink ribbons, pink bedroom walls and flowery bedspreads everything in my room was sunflower yellow... electric sunflower yellow. My mother could have been the trend setting goddess for the 80's tacky neon color revolution - Viva La Vie Electric Sunflowers! 
Image A Nightmare Before Easter where your walls are yellow, the carpet is yellow, the dressers are yellow, the bedspread is yellow with tiny (very tiny) pastel colored dainty flowers and your sheets were yellow - it's was like being smothered by an Easter Peep. Oh sure I played with Barbie but she was never dressed in gold or yellow. I cried my eyes out when my brother spilled paint all over the non yellow clothes of my Barbie. Mother bought me new ones of course - gold and yellow mostly. I don't remember playing with Barbie after that. But I feel I'm also a weird girl. I don't mind getting my hands dirty, even if I'm wearing a dress. It just happens. I don't always stop to think "oh, I'm wearing a dress, opps gotta act girly;" doesn't happen. If I'm in heels - that's another story. I have to use all of my super grrrl concentration to not look like an 8 year old in high heels... and I don't mean the child pageant children either.  So I'm looking for warm but cute. I think I'll do a Tomboy Martini for this camping adventure... Cute warm scarves and Flip Top Gloves and thermals under winter and summer type dresses with a good warm jacket and just a few pocket hand warmers.
...and none of it yellow. |
| Sunday, November 8th, 2009 |
| 12:21 pm |
and...
I  've received a lot of compliments of my new mushroom pastry dish with no name.... really got give it a name. Maybe I'll just call it Not Really Magick Mushroom Alice.... Can't think of anything else. But I have received a few requests for the recipe and I've been putting it off because I don't have a name for it yet. On the other hand I bought a $40 (kombucha) mushroom that I know tastes horrible and doesn't even get me high! :P Damn, I hope it really does cut my asthma symptoms / effects.
Picture of a Holland Magic Mushroom
"Eat one and call me if your still alive"What ElseLos Angeles had an Earthquake yesterday and the center was 4 miles away from where I live.... didn't even feel it. I think I am so use to them that unless the walls are groovin it's business as usual. I know I haven't been listing my Avon blog stuff here because I don't want to be like the annoying Mary Kay Sales Women - ever been to one of their awful "meetings?" Now that is a Halloween Haunted House for ya... but I really do love their Avon Magix and I've started to wear a little more makeup and enjoying it, so here is a recent posting review I just did. Avon Magix |
| Thursday, October 22nd, 2009 |
| 6:37 pm |
Dinner Party
I'm loven the active life. Last weekend the bday, tomorrow a dinner party... I love having a reason to cook. Keeps my mind away from the past and thinking about the future ... and yet again I can't get Seattle out of my mind. I think I just miss it and or traveling. Thinking of taking a month away from Los Angeles and spending it in Seattle. Just so I can see what I am truly missing. {cooking} My new recipe for pinwheels sucks! :( Way too sweet and and too heavy with goo. waiting for Filo to thaw out a little before prepping the Mushroom "strudel" which really isn't a strudel since traditional a strudel is a sweet layered pastry and this is an all vegetarian recipe I've doctored - need a new name for it. Hmmmmm Rustycon (later in the evening) {{{excited}}} My doctored recipe for the mushroom pastry (which was listed as a strudel but isn’t) looks gorgeous! I won’t know until tomorrow if it tastes as good as it looks. The crust is perfect -- flaky and golden brown… happy happy happy Current Music: (cooking to) You Spin Me Round by Dope |
| Tuesday, October 20th, 2009 |
| 9:13 pm |
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| Thursday, October 15th, 2009 |
| 11:36 pm |
That time of year again…
I know I'm late.... I'm posting this at the end of my birthday. I've been super busy with tomorrow's party...and yes I will post pictures of the medical theme costume party :) My Birthday Tradition: Please consider making a small donation to one of the following charities. - SAVE - Students Against Violence Everywhere
- AmeriCares Delivering medicines, medical supplies and aid to people in crisis
- RAINN Country's largest antisexual-assault organization.
- ASPCA - Prevention of cruelty to animals.
- National Fish and Wildlife Foundation (NFWF)
- Donors Choose - An online charity that makes it easy for anyone to help students in need for artistic assistance - helps pay for art and performance supplies / needs.
- NeedyMeds Helping people who cannot afford medicine or healthcare costs.
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| Thursday, October 8th, 2009 |
| 7:00 pm |
A WTF Moment
Craig's List: "Are you homeless an need a used but not ripped blanket. I can drop it off to you if you are in burbamk."
I'm homeless and on the corner of Burbamk and Vineland. I'm homeless but I do still have internet wifi reception which I've wired through my left hand and connected to a battery pack. It's dual use. I use the battery to not only power my wifi hand but keep my chest warm. Can you please drop the blanket off at Vineland & Burbank? I'm the one talking to my hand... I'm not crazy I just have Skype downloaded.
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| Monday, September 21st, 2009 |
| 11:41 am |
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| Thursday, September 17th, 2009 |
| 11:46 pm |
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| Monday, September 14th, 2009 |
| 11:57 am |
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| Thursday, September 10th, 2009 |
| 1:59 am |
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| Friday, September 4th, 2009 |
| 1:13 pm |
WooHoo!! :)
I posted my Tomboy posting on my SFGate (San Francisco newspaper) profile - Proud Tomboy - and I was just emailed and told it may be considered as a Featured blog for the Style section online :) 
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| 10:13 am |
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| 12:38 am |
Why do people think being a Tomboy is such a bad thing?
According to a blog and Urban Dictionary not only am I a Tomboy I'm a boy with boobs!
As a kid and now as an adult, I was never the girl (and now Grrl) who could keep her clothes or hair tidy and fashionable. I'm not opposed to wearing skirts, dresses, and following a few of the more reasonable / cute trends but who says you can't climb to the top of the monkey bars?
People are complaining about women athletes wearing skimpy clothes, doing revealing photo shoots and basically acting like some kind of trashy Lohan chick. But if she wears jeans and enjoys any kind of "masculine" things such as sports, computers, or cars she is the horrible, ghastly Tomboy...
Well, I own jeans, muscle t shirts, converse shoes I painted myself, combat boots (2 pairs) and I don't mind getting dirty!
...I also own heels, skirts, dresses and makeup and I am proud to say I am a Tomboy! Read the rest of the post here -- http://tiny.cc/TomboyGrrl |
| Thursday, September 3rd, 2009 |
| 5:24 am |
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| Wednesday, September 2nd, 2009 |
| 8:00 am |
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| Tuesday, September 1st, 2009 |
| 10:59 am |
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sierranighttide's journal
